This Light of Mine

There have been times when I felt complete happiness. There, I said it. I have been jump for joy (or on a couch) giddy over life and being alive. It is like that at times there is a crack in the concrete mixture of all that is in my mind that keeps me muddled and weighed down, and some light peers in and I get IT. Like walking into a house which is completely dark and room by room a switch is turned and all at once I see the room and everything in it.  I believe one day I will see the entire house and will forever live in IT. I can imagine an existence of unbridled joy, contentment and happiness because I have tasted them all separately and at once. Is getting life right being able to live in that lighted house, or at least knowing where the switches are? I guess I am wondering if we can have some of Heaven on Earth.

Recently  I read Proof of Heaven and Dying to be Me. Both books relate NDE, Near-Death Experiences. One by a neurosurgeon whose brain was incapable of firing off hallucinations in any sense, literally, and the latter book by a woman who went into the hospital after battling four years of cancer, with lemon size tumors in every lymph node  in her body. Both people made full recoveries, both people have the medical community’s attention. I am drawn to these stories because, at 52, I see the stop sign up ahead. Life is finite. There is an end here. Because of that thought, which by the way jolted me awake quite a many nights two years ago (thank you menopause) I realized that there is no luxury of time to make major mistakes, and veering off my path too far is a waste of precious time. With age there should be a cache of knowledge to help with all the next steps. I have found that life’s climb is getting steeper, the steps closer together and the summit, a beautiful point in the future with the past a marvel to take a moment to gaze upon and point at all of the landscape of experience. Falling off now would be such a waste of time.

Decisions of where to plant the next step should be calculated yet easy enough. Skilled scaling, such as life.

Both Dr. Alexander and Anita Moorjani made full recoveries after experiencing existence without cellular constraints. It is their after after-life thoughts I found most enlightening, and thanks to the amazing writing of Moorjani, I was able to see a new room in my house. Happiness, contentment and joy: the happiness trinity can be experienced beyond a moment. I was enlightened to another step towards how to love myself, which is a tall order here on earth. We are implored to love one another, but that is hard of we don’t know how to love ourselves. Then there is that word, ‘love’ that gets in the way of the mountaintop. I work with too many young people who have lived a life that has taught them that love is painful, so they are shackled and their climb through life is restrained and slow.

Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In learning how to love myself, I am free to love others, and with that comes joy and without the fear that is yoked to judgement of myself, I am living with lengthened moments of contentment. I feel a bit like a Stuart Smalley, but I believe I am good enough and doggone it, people like me. That happens when I like me- but the first step was to trust my own judgement of myself without judgement. That sentence used to be as confusing to me as “the greatest of these is love.”

Happiness isn’t really a light coming to us from the outside.


It isn’t a crack letting the light in, it is within us. When we crack open we let our light shine; we are made to beam from the inside out. I found that when I am beaming, love pours out. It is a rush to imagine what it would feel like to have more than a crack of light. I think in death we break open, but we have the opportunity to do that in life. I believe that is why there are so many self-help books. We are drawn towards happiness, joy and contentment. It is the essence of our existence.

At the summit of my life I know I will breathe in the freedom of loving myself.  With that comes immense love for others, because a light on a hill cannot be hid!

Thank you , Jesus!