I cannot imagine what it would be like to remember every minute of every day: what food I ate, clothes I wore and words I said and heard. It is a blessing to be able to chose to forget, I think, with the option of remembering why that choice should be made. Maybe that is why some people drink or do drugs; to manipulate their memories, even casting out the ability to make new ones. I lived with the idea that my memories make me, but no longer subscribe to that. When someone introduces themselves as a product of their past I tend to cringe in that shadow-self kind of way. A seed of that mentality is still in me and I really don’t like that much. In my quest for less self-judgment, however, I have to forgive and embrace my quilted and guilted past. Learning to rely on NOW is what it is all about, right? Even if I did remember what I was doing at 10:07 am on January 4, 1975, I don’t have to accept that the person I was is who I am.
No, really, thank GOD!
I often share with clients that mistakes don’t define us, what we do after the mistake does. Learning is the jewel in this life. Time spent on self-loathing or pity takes away from building ourselves, unless during those times one cannot find the right tools to do so…what then? Like the synapses in our minds, so are the connections to people in our lives. Have you noticed that the world is small, and there are many overlapping relationships wherever you go? It is like a safety net, cast for us, intentionally. The words we need to hear will be brought to us, some how, by someone. I noticed that the longer one resists healing the harder the psychological climb; but if one wants to learn, grow and continue in life, despair will turn into something unexpected, right and good.
After I was fired from KZEP the first time I felt despair. I loved the job, finally had enough money and a sense that I could relax and enjoy life a bit. When it was gone, I retreated. I remember piecing back together, slowly, and wonderfully. I found the Wisdom Network and watched it all day and most of the night. When the network failed and changed to Lime, I am happy to report that I was on the other side of despair! I learned about the Omega Institute, was introduced to new authors, and had positive thinking set on the TV for months. I learned to trust Life. I don’t hold onto the memory of that despair, I do hold onto the lessons learned. Through hard times since, my ability to be open to healing has improved. I would never introduce myself as a bitter ex-morning show side-kick, unless it was the prelude to a good joke.
My memories are wrapped in growth. There is more to come, more to till and plant and see what happens to the landscape of my life. I remain open to all the other gardeners I meet!