The number one problem with relationships is communication. Communication about money, sex, children, religion. The list is long and can be personalized for everyone! Chas and I communicate fairly well. Sometimes I feel his words come like a slow internet connection. He gets distracted, pauses for long periods and then forgets what the point he was trying to make. “Reboot!” I yell!! “Reboot! Get it out old man! What? What?”
One thing I believe is true is that most men do not wish to ‘overly’ communicate. Keep it simple, straightforward, and fast. If I do need to talk with Chas about something I begin with a time limit, “I need about 5 minutes of your time to talk about (fill in the blank). Now, once I say “talk” his eyes begin to glaze over, but I remind him of the time limit- and the key to being able to repeat this process is to keep that time limit sacred. My trainers at Fitness Ridge would yell positive acclamations, one of my favorites was that I could do anything for a minute. It worked. I tried hard and pushed myself for those sixty seconds proving the trainers right. Any man can communicate for 5 minutes.
There are simple rules in relationship conflict. Never start a sentence with “You make me” as no one in a relationship MAKES us do anything. Yep, we chose and should start our talks with “I feel, I believe, I sense.” Takes the edge off and keeps the man listening. He may think, “so far so good, I am not being blamed for anything!”
Husband number two was funny when we had our 5 minute talks. At first, no matter what I said he yelled at me and attacked like he was a cornered man-beast. I would say, “I didn’t deserve that statement. I don’t understand why you are attacking me when all I am doing is trying to clear up a possible misconception on my part. Help me understand.”
The last time he ever attacked believing it was a counter-attack I asked him what face was he seeing? Ex-wife maybe? I watched his whole body relax, he listened and talked for the next five minutes and the issue was put to a nice, peaceful rest. I am happy to report that up until and through our divorce our communication was awesome! Very civil, very humane.
The other day, IT happened. Chas told ME, the queen of emotion exposure, that I was not communicating with him well enough.
He later recanted.
So sue me, I like to talk, share, communicate. Today, on Kathie Lee and Hoda (this is my first experience outside of SNL, and was shocked to see that they do, indeed, drink on set!) they talked about how people over-share. This coming from Katie Lee? I know moe about Frank and Cody than I do about members of my own family. Bottom line of that segment was that is was okay to go to a private place and scream if an emotironal release is needed. Hoda did ask if the screaming would actually make a person’s blood pressure increase as opposed to decrease?
It depends on what made the person want to scream in the first place. Cheers!
Being misunderstood is probable one of the most frustrating experiences for me. I try hard to present a clear image of who I am. Like Forrest says, you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes…where they are going, where they have been. But, really, the truth is that we need more than our soles to bear our souls! I really believe that most men wish that we could read their minds and they wouldn’t have to talk, even for those safe five minutes. Wouldn’t it be cool if we could read our mates mind?