Communication Station


The number one problem with relationships is communication. Communication about money, sex, children, religion. The list is long and can be personalized for everyone! Chas and I communicate fairly well. Sometimes I feel his words come like a slow internet connection. He gets distracted, pauses for long periods and then forgets what the point he was trying to make. “Reboot!” I yell!! “Reboot! Get it out old man! What? What?”

“Huh?”

One thing I believe is true is that most men do not wish to ‘overly’ communicate. Keep it simple, straightforward, and fast. If I do need to talk with Chas about something I begin with a time limit, “I need about 5 minutes of your time to talk about (fill in the blank). Now, once I say “talk” his eyes begin to glaze over, but I remind him of the time limit- and the key to being able to repeat this process is to keep that time limit sacred. My trainers at Fitness Ridge would yell positive acclamations, one of my favorites was that I could do anything for a minute. It worked. I tried hard and pushed myself for those sixty seconds proving the trainers right. Any man can communicate for 5 minutes.

There are simple rules in relationship conflict. Never start a sentence with “You make me” as no one in a relationship MAKES us do anything. Yep, we chose and should start our talks with “I feel, I believe, I sense.”  Takes the edge off and keeps the man listening. He may think, “so far so good, I am not being blamed for anything!”

Husband number two was funny when we had our 5 minute talks. At first, no matter what I said he yelled at me and attacked like he was a cornered man-beast. I would say, “I didn’t deserve that statement. I don’t understand why you are attacking me when all I am doing is trying to clear up a possible misconception on my part. Help me understand.”

The last time he ever attacked believing it was a counter-attack I asked him what face was he seeing? Ex-wife maybe? I watched his whole body relax, he listened and talked for the next five minutes and the issue was put to a nice, peaceful rest. I am happy to report that up until and through our divorce our communication was awesome! Very civil, very humane.

The other day, IT happened. Chas told ME, the queen of emotion exposure, that I was not communicating with him well enough.

He later recanted.

So sue me, I like to talk, share, communicate. Today, on Kathie Lee and Hoda (this is my first experience outside of SNL, and was shocked to see that they do, indeed, drink on set!) they talked about how people over-share. This coming from Katie Lee? I know moe about Frank and Cody than I do about members of my own family. Bottom line of that segment was that is was okay to go to a private place and scream if  an emotironal release is needed. Hoda did ask if the screaming would actually make a person’s blood pressure increase as opposed to decrease?

It depends on what made the person want to scream in the first place. Cheers!

Being misunderstood is probable one of the most frustrating experiences for me. I try hard to present a clear image of who I am. Like Forrest says, you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes…where they are going, where they have been. But, really, the truth is that we need more than our soles to bear our souls! I really believe that most men wish that we could read their minds and they wouldn’t have to talk, even for those safe five minutes. Wouldn’t it be cool if we could read our mates mind?

Or not?

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One thought on “Communication Station

  1. Communication, Kim…fascinating! I never listened to my first wife. HUGE mistake. I have learned to live with it. But it took 30 years plus to live with myself. Just myself. Very difficult to do when you know you have been wrong and have to live in solitude for that length of time. A man learns a lot about himself during those incredible painful years.

    You search, and search, and search, ultimately finding that which is sacred, true even to what some may consider a feminine Divine. Aurelius Augustine once stated, “We may find one man made savage by love,” (which I mostly feel I used to be), “and we may find another man made gentle by iniquity,” which I have since become.

    Grateful, for without those years of not communicating, or not having anyone to communicate with, desiring an extremely narcissistic nature over selfless love, you simply evolve or become a man who knows the truth adversity eventually one may discover becomes a grace. But first, accepting your adversity, one moment of humility upon another, until you are so far down you discover death is better than life yet you yield to life because you know something better is around the next corner.

    Fortunately, I did wait and was blessed with a wonderful woman that we sit and talk to each other,(listening as well,) for hours upon hours. My present wife is so humble, and so genuinely real and wholesome, I can not help but desire to know more about her. She is a saint in my heart and a woman I admire her for her strength, courage, and wise woman ways.

    She is the best!! I do not deserve her. But I do love her! Magnanimously! And, I am truly grateful for her friendship and love. I will only know love like this (unconditional love) that is, once in a lifetime. But even though the journey was arduous, and incredibly difficult, I found her, and, am indebted Whomever sent her my way.

    That’s just how I feel. Thought you may like to know there are some men who have learned listening, with an honestly humble woman, is a truly rewarding experience, time after time.

    After all, he will be the one who benefits, am I not right?

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