Four Days Out Before 30 Days In

I was shocked, okay, not SHOCKED, just mildly disturbed, when I saw on the news today that Charlie Sheen stopped all processing on his plea deal because during his community service at a community theater he would not be able to smoke. Charlie Sheen is a chain smoker. I am guessing he would rather spend time in jail with his cigarettes than outside (with children and their stage-parents) sans the nic-sticks.

Ahh…the hard hold of addiction.

I took a graduate class on addiction and the professor had each of us give up something during the course of the course. I wanted to jump into the experience, learn what the man had to teach, so I gave up coffee. This particular beverage is my favorite and it comes with real withdrawal symptoms. After the headaches were over, I was okay, except that day in Pennsylvania when I was in the backseat of the car with my sister-in-law who went in for a baked good but came out with a beautiful cup of aromatic coffee. I had not had a cup in over a month and she sat next to me, holding the coffee with her blonde hands. I stared at the steam, then tried to breathe it in, hoping for a second-hand high.

I was at Starbucks the next morning….it was called “a slip”. I slipped. Once one slips, it is easy to slip again, eventually becoming out of control, careening down the slippery slope.

There is no coffee at The Ridge. I am not afraid, I know there is coffee after The Ridge. What I am afraid of is not going to the resort, but coming back from the resort.

I am afraid I will be doing what I am doing right now- which is sabotaging myself from fabulousness! Six weeks ago I called Jenny (again) and lost some weight, but this week I have been eating and fell a bit out of control. Why do I do this? I am addicted, maybe not to the pepperoni on the pizza, but to food in general. At least with coffee I am particular: I will not drink a cup of coffee unless it fits my taste standards; which are higher than Mrs. Olsen’s. Food? I am NOT a picky eater! Oh, and unfortunately, when I get stressed I eat. I have a friend who cannot eat when she feels stressed out and looses weight during any troubling times. She says, “Look at my pants, they’re are ready to fall off I have been so stressed lately. I am so thin. I wish I could eat.” When I hear this I think, “Bitch”. If I could do that I would invite drama in my life every so often to shed some pounds.

She stresses me out so much I go and eat for her.

I have some fear, but this is why I am going. I need to learn how to be cool with my food…not have to call Jenny. I have called Jenny. I am a lifer. Frozen food- my ball and chain. See, Jenny is NOT the Top Chef.

Four days out from my flight to Fitness Ridge and I am nervous. A man I worked with who had lost 150 pounds through diet and exercise once told me this after he had gained it all back: “I had lost al the weight. I was riding my bike everyday, and was in the best shape ever. Then, I went to a family reunion and I ate all the foods I had happily stayed away from for over two years. It was like a flood gate opened. From that date on, I didn’t stop eating until I had gained all of my weight back.”

I understood him. I know that gate. Something happens to those of us who struggle with food…I know I find myself at that gate after every successful weight-loss. On the other side, that downward slide awaits. I am at the top of the slide today- I have opened the gate, knowing that the gate will be slammed shut (Thank you ahead of time Fitness Ridge) for 30 days.


4 thoughts on “Four Days Out Before 30 Days In

  1. This line made me laugh: “She stresses me out so much I go and eat for her.” And this line sobered me up: “I didn’t stop eating until I had gained all of my weight back.”
    Thank you for your humor & insight. Good luck @ FR (and home again, too!)

  2. Wow! We are Sisters from another Mother! I am the poster child of success and slips…emotional eating relapses. In fact my winter slip packed on enough lbs to make sure last summers suits don’t fit this summer. So, I scurried over to Dillards and purchased one of those trendy new body compressors aka girdles that claim to smooth everything from the breast bone to the tops of my knees. Let’s just say this…my significant financial investment almost cost me a trip to the ER…by the end of the day I was convinced It had cracked a rib!
    Enjoy your blog!

    • I have all kinds of ‘compressors!’ In fact, a drawer full…when I come back I may need to do something special with them….any craft ideas? QVC awaits!

  3. wow you said a mouthful, for so many of us!!! I agree with the stress eating… and I too think your friend is a bitch…lol…remember stressed spelled backwards is desserts! Have your favorite before you hit boot camp!!


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