I was shocked, okay, not SHOCKED, just mildly disturbed, when I saw on the news today that Charlie Sheen stopped all processing on his plea deal because during his community service at a community theater he would not be able to smoke. Charlie Sheen is a chain smoker. I am guessing he would rather spend time in jail with his cigarettes than outside (with children and their stage-parents) sans the nic-sticks.
Ahh…the hard hold of addiction.
I took a graduate class on addiction and the professor had each of us give up something during the course of the course. I wanted to jump into the experience, learn what the man had to teach, so I gave up coffee. This particular beverage is my favorite and it comes with real withdrawal symptoms. After the headaches were over, I was okay, except that day in Pennsylvania when I was in the backseat of the car with my sister-in-law who went in for a baked good but came out with a beautiful cup of aromatic coffee. I had not had a cup in over a month and she sat next to me, holding the coffee with her blonde hands. I stared at the steam, then tried to breathe it in, hoping for a second-hand high.
I was at Starbucks the next morning….it was called “a slip”. I slipped. Once one slips, it is easy to slip again, eventually becoming out of control, careening down the slippery slope.
There is no coffee at The Ridge. I am not afraid, I know there is coffee after The Ridge. What I am afraid of is not going to the resort, but coming back from the resort.
I am afraid I will be doing what I am doing right now- which is sabotaging myself from fabulousness! Six weeks ago I called Jenny (again) and lost some weight, but this week I have been eating and fell a bit out of control. Why do I do this? I am addicted, maybe not to the pepperoni on the pizza, but to food in general. At least with coffee I am particular: I will not drink a cup of coffee unless it fits my taste standards; which are higher than Mrs. Olsen’s. Food? I am NOT a picky eater! Oh, and unfortunately, when I get stressed I eat. I have a friend who cannot eat when she feels stressed out and looses weight during any troubling times. She says, “Look at my pants, they’re are ready to fall off I have been so stressed lately. I am so thin. I wish I could eat.” When I hear this I think, “Bitch”. If I could do that I would invite drama in my life every so often to shed some pounds.
She stresses me out so much I go and eat for her.
I have some fear, but this is why I am going. I need to learn how to be cool with my food…not have to call Jenny. I have called Jenny. I am a lifer. Frozen food- my ball and chain. See, Jenny is NOT the Top Chef.
Four days out from my flight to Fitness Ridge and I am nervous. A man I worked with who had lost 150 pounds through diet and exercise once told me this after he had gained it all back: “I had lost al the weight. I was riding my bike everyday, and was in the best shape ever. Then, I went to a family reunion and I ate all the foods I had happily stayed away from for over two years. It was like a flood gate opened. From that date on, I didn’t stop eating until I had gained all of my weight back.”
I understood him. I know that gate. Something happens to those of us who struggle with food…I know I find myself at that gate after every successful weight-loss. On the other side, that downward slide awaits. I am at the top of the slide today- I have opened the gate, knowing that the gate will be slammed shut (Thank you ahead of time Fitness Ridge) for 30 days.