Finding My Style in the Mall

I went to the mall today to get my hair styled. The place I like to go to is in the mall. Hair is a problem. I went today to get my hair cut and dyed. I never know if I get my dream across…what I want and what I get are ALWAYS two very different things. Today I went for a red head with blonde streaks. The cut; I showed a picture…I SHOWED a picture! I pointed at the length; “This is the length,” I said, then repeated,”This is how long I want my hair!” BUT; I walked out with a good cut, much too short! I did get a lot of compliments on the hair today, and of course it will grow out. When it does, I will get it cut too short again, sometime in the set and not so distant future.

Once, a hairdresser told me that when she cut hair, the hair in which she cut magically grew back faster. My hair was cut too short and it did not grow back any faster. I wondered if she had read a child’s book about magical scissors. Or she was just wacky. I pick wacky!

Are shoes like cocaine? Only the person in them feels the high? And only others who share the addiction notice the difference between a 1000 dollar pair of shoes and a Dillards special for 55? Shoes are displayed at a size 6 or 7. I am a size 10 or sometimes, much to my horror, bigger. Shoes lose their beauty at size 10. The points are pointier, the round parts are rounder and the shoe just clunkier, no matter the maker.

Jennifer Hudson’s character in Sex and the City had style. She rented it. Her boss, Carrie, Sarah-Jessica Parker’s character is style. Carrie marries Big because in the end- shoes matter.

I like the stores that changed the sizing laws. In Chicos and White House Black Market, I am a size one! I shop theses places as often as I can afford the high price of snaller sizes. Evey woman over the age of 40 knows that sizes have been changed in the stores; growing up at my biggest, I was a size 12. I have never been close to that as an adult. Designer duds are sized smaller as well. Bottom line is that the more money I have, the smaller I am. Money CAN buy happiness!

Today I told a salesclerk that I recently lost 100 pounds. She went on and on about how great I looked. I then came clean and said I actually just gained about 15 pounds. I wonder if I still looked as good? It is a matter of perspective. She stopped gushing about how I looked, and laughed. I noticed the compliments stopped. From now on, I just lost 100 pounds.

I do not get why stores place the Petite area next to the Woman area. Put the petites where they belong…next to the childrens’ clothing. WTF next to the XXL and 3XXX racks? Big ladies don’t want to even look at the skinny ones shopping for their shorterthan average sleeve lengths and smaller than normal waist sizes. The petite probably don’t tlike being stuck next to clothing they could swim in- come on now….who IS responsible for this? Are you just sick?

Reba….why are you in the fashion business and no one knows it but me? And where did your upper lip go?

Kiosk sales people from other countries are scary. “Here, try this soap just for you.” Here try this lotion and salt from the Dead Sea.” Then they start making deals…”You can get this lotion, and this soap for only 100 American is Satan dollars!”  

Okay, eyebrow threading in the middle of the mall done with quick, precise movements between the middle eastern woman’s mouth and right hand. In the MIDDLE of the MALL!! What is next, besides massages in front of everybody, and teeth whitening? Will I be able to get my PAP done as well- after my eye exam? As long as there is an office and not a kiosk.

Once I was accused of walking away with Proactive in a mall. I had a box of the product and waved over to Chas who was looking at cell-phones. “This is what I want!” I yelled!! “Put that down right now!” the accusing angry woman snapped.

I ended up calling security and asking for an apology from the kiosk nazi. I finally got one in the form of an e-mail which was really a non-apology. I was hoping for some free products! The e-mail started out…”I am sorry if you misunderstood me but…”

If I was going to steal,  would be waving the box above my head…would I? I don’t know, I don’t steal. And, really, would I be yelling “HEY LOOK!” while waving the box. I think that lady was mad because she just came back from shopping next to a bunch of petite women.

I usually take a stroll through the food court during mall visits. I never eat anything but the free samples. Remember- I just lost 100 pounds!


4 thoughts on “Finding My Style in the Mall

  1. Have you seen Paul Blart:Mall Cop? Stupid but funny … anyway, my favorite part is the kiosk for hair extensions …Unbeweave-able ;0) so funny … the kiosk for paps could be called “Papasan” or “Papular” or “Pappy” … I think we could make millions!

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