The Right Side of 50!

Right. And that is one of THE hardest lessons I have ever had to learn. One reason I think that particular life nugget is hard to swallow is that most of us are in some measure still trying to figure it out:  negative talk leads to negativity period. Just tell this to a junior high school student and you will see that their EQ on talking about others is non-existent unless they are on the end of the sharply sworded tongues of their peers.

A major epiphany in my life took place when I was about 43. I woke up to the fact that other people’s opinion of my is none of my business and something I cannot control. I remember a tremendous feeling of relief when I suddenly saw my life through more enlightened eyes. Women suffer from this psychological malady more than men I think- and shaking that idea, that one can create perceptions for others, must be a sin created by the snake and passed to dwell in the intricate weave of Eve’s DNA.

The first perfect example of someone who did not talk about others for enjoyment was Melanie in Gone with the Wind. Wait, that fictional character is the only perfect example- I don’t think Jesus talked smack about anyone either. Jesus and Melanie, my go-to examples.

So what does one do when they find themselves attacked in the gossip mill and that mill is in their own backyard? And also, if there  is wounding done with words, how does one heal?

In the last few years, a woman I have known for over 35 years has attacked me to anyone she could get to listen. Fortunately, most of these people shut her down and told me so. I had an idea why she hated me, but to this day I don’t think she has a real clue as to where her intense hate for me comes from really. I tried to speak with her and it was messy. She is so full of anger and hate she can only attack and not discuss. In the course of all the stirring of trouble, this woman contacts my fiance via Facebook to ‘talk’ with him, “Hi I found you on Facebook!! How are you? I stay in touch with your brother, too! How is your daughter? Blah blah blah”. Weird and sad. Chas showed me and shook his head and told me that that kind of stuff is nothing but trouble. We decided to ignore it and her- completely.

Healing was slow, as I am a daughter of Eve… I finally realized through God’s healing ways that she is misdirected and believing the snake as Eve once did, but she is still blinded by the deception that being right is the only important issue, and that she can elevate herself above me by degrading and verbally attacking me. Is her war of words actually changing others’ perceptions of me? Back to epiphany at age 43- others’ perceptions are none of my business. I can forgive the misdirected.  The Word says, hate the sin and not the sinner. Note: another really hard thing to do.

Back in 2001 when I was fired by KZEP the first time, I started on a journey to get my life right and to be a better person. When I started those steps toward self-actualization I was a shell. However, due to perseverance and drive to learn who I am and HOW to be happy I woke up one morning feeling complete contentment for longer than those initial 3 seconds. I have experienced inner joy and peace and love…love for my children and all of my life circle, which includes the misdirected.

Wow. Heavy stuff.

If you wish to be somewhere you plan the trip. If you wish to be better, your trip will be planned and you will wake up one morning at your destination.

I promise. So does God.

As far as the 35 year old friendship and the hurt and attacks,I learned a lot, and made  few mistakes by attacking back once I found out she infiltrated my emerging family. I let it go, I let the anger go. By doing that I am one step closer to heaven on earth. I am learning that not saying anything negative about others is a difficult path and a muscle that needs to be worked out. I was given the opportunity to make mine strong through this attack, which is why trials are cool in their own way. It is like I have had some intense training at Universal Life Gymnasium!

If you have something nice to say then say it! But the rule still applies, you cannot control others’ perceptions that way either. You just control the state of your soul!

I thought of MeLee; my buddy from Kyle First Baptist Awana Days. From summers at the Aquarina Springs pool, too many laughs about all kinds of stuff. I have ALWAYS been comfortable with her. I miss her…I made note to self to contact her.

I returned her two missed calls at about 6 am on Tuesday morning. Her husband died. I could not understand her…her grief was too great, but I knew that I was honored to be a friend at this time. What do you say when someone loses their love? Their life, both present and future? What do you say?

I told her I loved her and I do. I told her to not think about tomorrow. Jesus is awesome- great advice JC. I told her to feel…to cry and just mourn. Before we hung up, I said remember, don’t worry about the future… just feel.

I live too far away and have a brand new job, but I will see her tomorrow. I need to see her. Now I am being a bit selfish. I want to see her smile. See. Selfish!

I have some friends I met while living in Germany. Matt and Annette. They had children about he same age as mine and when we met our babies were babies. Annette and I would open our windows and yell across the street to each other in our small village. We would watch our kids walk to the others apartment. I learned more from Annette about being a mom than from any other person or source. I read some books…lots of books…but watching Annette cut toast and make pancakes in heart shapes; well, it spoke more to me than Dr. Dobson. I watched her and learned from her. I had my kids on a schedule similar to Annette. We talked and shared. I soaked it in and I am grateful for her…to this day she is one of my most favorite people. She, too lives far away.

Annette just had a hip replaced last week. She actually went for a ‘last’ run. So Annette. This is the same lady who moved to Mississippi with her family to build houses for those who lost their homes from Katrina’s winds. Her daughter (the future president of the US, I swear she is super smart) is an architect. Her husband is a builder, as is their son. I guess Annette is a also a builder. This family has given.

Matt learned he has cancer. He will be coming to Houston to get treatment at MD Anderson. I want them to stay in my home in Katy. I am being selfish again! “Pick my house! Let me help so I can feel less helpless!”

Is that normal?

Then there is my buddy with cancer who informed me she had 4 to 6  months to live. This lady is amazing. When she told me her prognosis, I asked questions. I asked how she was dealing with this news; that her end is near. What does one do with their last months? She is going to spend it with her daughters and grandchildren. “The most important people in my life live in my home. They are what matters.” Her youngest daughter is in college. I told her she should go to class with her. I thought, if it was me, I would be with my family, my girls, my grandson, my Charlie every minute I could.

I want to film her. She would like to leave messages for her children and grandchildren one, her new granddaughter, was just born last week. In my selfishness, I want to be the one who films her. I want to make sure it happens. She also had a list of three people she wanted to reconnect with- some unfinished business. I found one of them.

I found her! I helped!

Being 50 sucks in special ways. Life and mortality mean so much more.

So do friends. I am going to be as selfish as I can. Maybe when I feel blessed, they do too.

Click. Save. Done.

I am excited that the house has a Tuscan flair to it. DAYOC-FRONT[1]

We pour concrete on Tuesday. The weather report looks good. We are being blessed with a wonderful week next week here in South Texas. The temperatures are suppose to be in the 70′s all week starting Monday, Valentines Day!

So far, no fights. When do they start?

I would rather let the builder build. Maybe when I buy the furniture we will fight. He doesn’t know about the new bedroom set I want….yet!

Next on our list was The River House. We named it The River House because it was on the river! The land was manicured and landscaped and beautiful. I liked everything about the house except that is was too near the highway and it came with too high of a price tag. The house needed renovation, but we thought we could suffer with the paneling and outdated kitchen, bathrooms and floors for a while. The view was nice, more than nice, but the sounds of cars did take away some of the ambiance. After we bought the lot on the golf course, where we are building now, I asked Charlie to make an offer on The River House…what we could afford. It was too late.

I do believe life unfolds as it should.

Our Mighty Oak

So we went with number three on our list of three. Buy a lot and build. We chose the least expensive lot with a mature oak adorning the left end. It is a nice lot, but it was cheaper because the driving range is within range. I may have to garden with a helmet on! People who use this driving range are very strong and very bad. We have way too many golf balls flying onto our lot. We are planning a tree hedge already.

I bought the lot on December 27th. I bought the mortgage on Ground Hog Day. We started the foundation as soon as we could. I like the look – activity means I am a few days closer to putting clean sheets on the bed and sleeping under my own roof.

Really, Charlie is in charge of the building, and I am hoping it is more than a house, I am looking forward to helping create a home, but for the first time in my history (a fancy term for ‘life’) I get a brand new home. A place where my spirit will be the first. I wonder if it is going to be like owning a new car- you know, when you ding it or scratch is or drop a Route 44 Diet Coke in it…it causes anxiety and sadness that the once new car is now soiled and used. Will I freak out if my paint gets a mark on it? I don’t think so, I think I am going to be too happy with the newness all around me.

We bought a house on the golf course in Castroville. It is very nice and very quiet. I think it only gets rowdy on nights Charlie’s brother (who lives there as well) has a party. He likes to have mariachis at his parties, and beer. Mix in some interesting people and like Mentos in Coke… POW! A party! When I moved to Castroville 14 years ago, I bought insurance from Hazel Russell who told me she was developing the golf course. It was wonderful to visit her the other day to update my car insurance and let her know I was moving out there; something I had never thought could happen. My house on May street was old, I do have an affinity for old houses but through this last house I learned that unless you have a carpenter in your bed, or at least on speed dial, it is a burden.

Electrical stuff, plumbing stuff, shifting and settling, cracks in the walls and the ceiling falling in. I had grass like stuff in the ceiling when I first bought the house…in the CEILING!! When I renovated the house on May Street I got a call from my builder/carpenter/friend John. He said, “I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?” I told him to hit me with the bad news, then quickly follow-up with the good news so the bad news would not have too much time to resonate and cause my blood pressure to rise.

“Your ceiling is falling in. But! I can fix it!”

Whew! I loved the result. No more grass in the ceiling, or at least, none I could see anymore.

When my father came for a visit before he died he walked into every room of the house. I watched him- he was surveying the house. His conclusion? He said this: “Kim, can’t you raze the house and start over?”

Thanks Dad, but no. And John my carpenter/builder/friend did a great job with my house on May street, giving her a nice facelift. She looked awesome, but she was old and though I loved her, I wanted out of the relationship. Her kitchen, though functional, was just too small. The bathroom- she only had one, located in the middle of the house, like the picture of glass potty I see circulating on the internet…who can be comfortable in the bathroom when you are only two feet from the living room? And the Kitchen? And the bedrooms? And the mailbox?

I have a new respect for owning a new home. I get to pick everything as it will be custom built. I got to choose the plans, the rock, the colors.

So, why do couples get so stressed out over the process of building a home? I recently read that a very large percentage of couples who build a home hate each other by the time they get to unpack the first box. Some even divorce. I wonder how we will do…Charlie has built homes for over 30 years. Arguing with him in any way may be like arguing with the naked guy who sits on top of the mountain and waits for seekers to ask a question. Who am I to question the master?

I will question him I am sure. The cool thing is he has seen the process many many times and since he gets to unpack a box or two in the end I am sure the house we build will be awesome. I will be blogging about the journey starting with the lot search, the plan search and the first steps in building a home.

Next time- I am tired as I spent the evening looking up at lighting. I saw the light…and it was too expensive!

The Bowl. Remove contents only.

This is ‘The Bowl.’ Every Monday morning Mrs. Kuch (pronounced Cook) fills this bowl up with calories, I mean, snacks, for the teachers at D’Hanis ISD. Mrs. Kuch has been filling this bowl for over twenty years. Inside there is a combination of Fiddle Faddle, cheesy Chex Mix and some cheddar triangles.

She is the devil and the bowl is the devil’s tool!

Actually, Mrs. Kuch is a very nice woman who happens to be very beautiful, and very thin. She even teaches an aerobics class several times a week in D’Hanis proper…somewhere near the store and post office. She is in her sixties, but she looks remarkable, and I can only hope I am near her catagory of beauty at that age. I wonder if the bowl is insurance for her aerobic’s class attendance.

I asked Mrs. Kuch whether she ate the snacks from the bowl and she said, “Oh, I have never had a desire to eat the snacks in the bowl until recently. I think the last two months I have been walking by and grabbing handfuls at a time!” She resisted for all these years. Why is she showing weakness against her own trap now? Is she lying to me to keep me at the bowl?

Yep, Mrs. Kuch stayed away from her own trap until recently. She is now concerned about her will power.

I am angry at “The Bowl” and my own will power. If it was only filled with cheesey Chex Mix, well, I could walk right by 99 percent of the time…but add in Fiddle Faddle and guess what? I can’t seem to be able to walk by that damned bowl! And when the bowl is empty…you guessed it, Mrs. Kuch fills it right back up again. And even if she doesn’t respond to an empty bowl on Wednesday, Monday the contents will be up to the rim for the teachers to enjoy.

This bowl is my enemy. I hate the bowl for being filled with a snack I love. Some days, the bowl looks like it is laughing at me, taunting me! Did I hear the bowl call me fatty fatty no friends??

Why do people go to all the trouble of loading up their very dry, prickly tree, only to dump it in the middle of the road where innocent people will hit it head on causing accidents which just may result in someone being hurt or killed? Why? Why not drive it farther, to a dump or how about this…if they feel so very strongly about dumping the tree, why not (just asking) drop the darned thing on the side of the road, maybe in a field where it could decay naturally and provide a welcome habitat for all kinds of organisms?

Are the same people who are dumping their trees in the middle of the road the ones who do not put their shopping carts in the return area? Why do these people walk miles in the shopping center suddenly find it so difficult to walk twenty more feet?

Lazy asses. All of them.

I can hear the conversation, “Hey, our mattress is all worn out and full of dust mites. Let’s get a new one!” Partner in stupidity says, “Great! A new mattress sounds wonderful. I guess we should load up the old one and take it to the nearest highway before rush hour.”

Lazy asses.

Stupid asses.

Just saying.

If anyone in my family ever gets hurt because they hit a mattress or a Christmas tree, this lady just may go ballistic! I think we should all be on highway watch and if any of us who are categorized as sane see this insane behavior, we should be able to laser their lazy asses.

Please forgive my potty language tonight. Seeing a Christmas tree in the middle of the road, well, it just bugs me! Any one ever see the crime in progress?

I did great at Thanksgiving. I even worked out the day of Thanksgiving. I logged my calories and watched my intake.

Then December first hit like the snow in the east. People started bringing food to work…stuff I love! Stuff made from SUGAR! Chocolate! Cakes! Pies! Cookies! Did I mention chocolate? I panicked a few times after a day of indulging. I had middle of the night anxiety attacks! I am now to the point where the damage is done. I gained weight during the holidays. I pushed away the plate, then I pulled it right back toward me!

Next year I get to try again. I hope I do better. What is it about sugar than opens the flood gates o’ overeating? This season, what really got me in the chute was walnut bread. Something my mom made every Christmas and my daughter made this Christmas, which really got me interested in baking a batch up as well. Yep,I can eat a few slices of walnut bread in 8 seconds. One hand on the loaf the other a fork. Eating and bullriding? Really? I must be in a sugar induced unlogical state of mind.

So, what is the plan? I received a website from a wonderful young doctor who has recently turned to a vegan diet and lifestyle. The website is: www.21daykickstart.com. The coolest thing about the program is real life pre-recorded celebrities will call and encourage those who sign up during the 21 days. Enough to make me go for it!

BUT…(or BUTT!) I just moved into Charlie’s mother and father’s home due to my new job, which I start on Monday. We took a back bedroom, put in one of our dressers, plopped in a desk, hung up some clothes and here we are. The new TV will  be hung this week and the Bravo Network will be ordered Monday. I cannot go without watching exceptionally crazy rich women- I am hooked on the Real Housewives of  Beverley Hills!

Humm…a new job, a new place to live (for now), a new town, new and old friends. I am stressed, which is desserts backwards as most of us know! I should just put a feed-bag of sugar under my chin.

I did sidn up at the local gym in Castroville: Ironhaus. I love the German spelling. I am also going to try and have some personal training sessions if they aren’t too too expensive.

But, will I kickstart? I could get a phone call from Marilu Henner, Alicia Silverstone or Mobey! Mobey would be cool!

A new diet, in a new home which belongs to someone else? I don’t know…I just may have to call Jenny again. She has been there for me before!

Oh, did I mention we are building a new home? I bought a lot on the Castroville golf course and we are very close to pouring the foundation. Some people find just doing that is a major stressor!

Recount on strssors: 1. New job. 2. New town. 3. New place to live. 4. It is in my partner’s parents house. 5. Building a new home. 6. I feel my butt growing every second of the day. 7. I am trying to NOT go for another piece of homemade jalapeno peanut brittle. 8. Did I mention new JOB??

I am a prime target for a heart attack…. or a big butt.

I got a big butt.

Again.

So it is war.

Starting Monday.

Sigh.

I did not make my mind up to get my face fillers until I walked into the office last Monday morning. Even when I was in the office, I was still open to leaving. I did not like my nurse. Here I was, starting a new adventure (in my mind anyway) and I wanted to share my joy, my thinking, my sense of humor. I wanted an experience. She was not giving me any kindness, no eye contact, no smiles. Yes, I was close to walking out and blaming my nurse, who was just a bad tour guide! Thank goodness my doctor was gregarious, interested (or at least pretended to be) and unafraid of what was ahead for my head!

I did this because I was looking old. After reading for the last ten years about the remedies for sagging faces, I was happy with this new generation of fillers and results. I booked my day with trepidation because I had never done it before and did not have any friends who had done this before. I was walking in without ghosts of girlfriends experiences past. One of my friends had Botox- she loved it even though she had a small reaction. She became tired and was couch bound for a day. She went back for seconds so the day on the couch did not deter her.

The Botox is not an instant frown freezer. It takes 12 days (or more) before it is 100 percent, then, I guess, it dissipates slowly. I like the way it feels. It slowly smoothed my frown line. I want more now, maybe around my eyes…who knows!

I still have a small amount of swelling around my mouth. However, I like what I see. My lips are lined, a little bigger than I imagined they would be, but not big as in someone can tell I had injections in them. My nasal folds are looking good- unfortunately I have some major wrinkles, now pushed out instead of lining my face like a dry water creek.

I will post pictures after three weeks. In the meantime, if you were thinking about a little filler, some Botox and possibly a new haircut…go for it. Take in an old picture of yourself, and say, “I want to look like that!”

One Day After

Nine Days Later